30 Jul 2009

Stupid People

How incredibly irksome are stupid people? I mean really. No, stop going all 'well everyone is equal' or 'you can't say that' and look deep within yourself and you'll see a small glowing ember of 'I can't believe some people are that thick!'

Unfortunately they are. For every person who invents some wonder jigitt, there are five million going 'ooh, I love Jordan, she's, like, enpowdering (sic) women'.

Well I say enough. No longer. People of relative intelligence I say unto you cast off thy shackles and fetch up thy hitty sticks. The revolution is here. We need only to hunt down those who will not fit into our new world order (er...this is getting slightly more fascistic then I'd intended, oh well).

To aid with the revolutionary acts (or as I will be calling it Thick-Hunt '09 - say it five times quick...heh heh heh) I have put together a list of behaviour to be on the look out for:

1) People from Hampshire who talk as if they are from California. This is mainly found in late teen girls who came from the same Jack Wills/Holister/Abercrombie and Fitch cloning plant. Symptoms include saying 'you know' or 'like' with upward inflection, making every single thing they say sound like a question and doing that 'rolling eyes saying "sooooo"' thing.

2) People who appear on any of those daytime TV shows like wasp faced Jeremy Kyle or Trisha. Why do they go there? Why do people watch it? It's the modern equivalent of bear baiting without the cute little bears.

3) Anyone who openly wept when Jade Goody died. Did you know her? No? Then grow up fucknuckle.

4) Those who feel compelled to talk about Big Brother like it was actual-better-than-real-news.

5) Anyone who votes BNP (more on this in another post methinks).

6) Any adult who fails to capitalise their name.

7) Those people who go 'oh no, I don't like it' when they haven't even tried it. How the fuck do you know? Are you somehow gifted with prescient thoughts? 'No, I had a psychic vision in which I tasted oysters and I found them disagreeable.' Fools.

It's not hard to see why these people should perhaps be removed from the gene pool. What I want to know is where have all these people sprouted from? What festering rock did they crawl out from under?

I have a theory. It's a half-arsed, unsupported and totally speculative theory, but it's a theory nonetheless. Or perhaps a musing. Maybe even just a rant. Yeah, I have a rant.

I don't think that many people are as plain stupid as they make out.

We have in our society an enormous mistrust of anyone who is intellectual. In everyday life people feel intimidated by intelligence. That intimidation is somehow turned into passive hostility. If one is perhaps slightly verbose, one is remonstrated for 'using big words'. If someone wishes to discuss politics at any level above what appears in Page 3's 'The News in Briefs' that person is often met with blank stares, cursory shakes of the head or rolled eyes.

There is therefore only one recourse for such a person and that is to start to conform. Start watching Wok Gan (or whatever his chuffing name is). Initially it will be an ironic attempt to 'see what all the fuss is about'. Before long our hapless example is nodding and grinning to every guff-formed utterance that flops fully scripted from the infantile gobshites that litter our televisions.

To fit in (oh, pitiful creatures that we are) we actively try to hide our clever side. Because we fear to be sidelined, fear that the people we work with will talk about us behind our backs, fear that we are somehow worse for being able to demonstrate more than a passing knowledge of English vocabulary.

Running concurrently with this has been the media's obsession with reality (or at least a partially staged, over hyped, film-it-if-it-moves-and-pass-it-off-as-groundbreaking version of reality). These programmes focus on what is no doubt called for demographic purposes 'real people'. Unfortunately these 'real people' tend to be gibbering imbiciels. Thus making them as far from reality as a talking hedgehog called Lawrence. Anyone with an IQ higher than the common or garden snail is seen as boring.

Look at that Tickle chap from Big Brother.

Ok, he is actually really boring but he's my only point of reference. See. What I said above was true.

People must therefore watch bumbling twattery on T.V. and think (perhaps on a subconsious level) that the way to be accepted is to be a facsimile of said bumbling twattery.

I'd like to think that one day we'll stop all of this nonsense and actually embrace those who are slightly clever. In the meantime a friend has just sent me a link of a monkey doing a poo on youtube. Awesome.

28 Jul 2009

Hitting Kids (Megalolz)

A few months ago there was a survey completed asking if teachers should be able to inflict corporal punishment on pupils who were misbehaving. A large section of the population said 'yes - hit the buggers'.


Since 1987 it has been illegal for a teacher to hit a pupil and rightly so. I cannot think of a more degrading, demeaning and unnecessary act. Imagine little Timmy has talked out of turn one time too many, he gets a smack. People may think 'fair enough'. Timmy is child, the teacher is full grown adult.

Also there can be no check or balance. We all have days where we're a little bit ratty. Where all you want to do is hit someone. You didn't sleep well, or you're hungover, or you've had a row with someone you love, or someone has broken your coffee mug and the bastards will pay. We all have those moments but because we're well adjusted adults who are aware of the rules and boundaries of society we take a deep breath, smoke a cigarette and/or try to keep our cool.

Now care to imagine what it would be like if you were told that it was not only acceptable for you to hit someone who had annoyed you but actively encouraged because 'it's the only way they'll learn'. I can foresee some sort of nightmarish society where at the slightest provocation everyone ends up in a huge Beano-esque fist fight.

Or like Portsmouth on a Friday night.

However, the idea of corporal punishment in schools is an extension of a perceived wider problem. For some reason we have become obsessed with the idea that teenagers are somehow 'much more disrespectful than when I was young'. What? Teenagers disrespectful to those who are older than them? That's what they're fucking for. And the idea that teenagers are somehow becoming more disrespectful is a nonsense. How do you measure that? Are there scientists in lab coats putting teens into MRI scanners and muttering to themselves about how there has been a 4.7 % decrease per annum?

No, of course not. That would suggest the NHS has some MRI machines rather than a highly trained sniffer dog called 'Mr I'.

Throughout time people have complained about the young; like incontinence or dying of hypothermia in the winter it's what old people do. But due to the growing power of the 'silver vote' we now are in a position where peoples' fears of the young are actually influencing the policy makers.

It's why we have ASBOs and why this ugly issue of corporal punishment raises its head from time to time.


Hi there.

Having watched the world with growing incredulity I've decided to vent my spleen online. I hope you enjoy the abusive, left-wing mewlings that I casually inflict on a largely unresponsive world.