14 Aug 2009

Political Profile No. 1

Hello all,

In these uncertain times I feel it my duty, as a loyal subject of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to make it clear who the people running this nation actually are. This is so that when the election is called you fine people of internetland (well, those of you who are British citizens) can make informed choices about who to vote for.

Political Profile No. 1 - Lord Peter Mandelson.

There has been much said in recent weeks about Peter Mandelson. Some say he is the scariest man in British politics. I'd like to give some choice biographical information which will, hopefully, help people to put aside these ridiculous notions.

Lord Peter 'Sauron Jr.' Mandelson was forged in the fires of Mount Doom in 1962. He spent most of his childhood living as any proto-dark lord would. Playing in the fields, watching television and consuming the souls of virgins. It was for the most part a happy upbringing. Unfortunately this was all to change when two Young Tories crept into Mordor and burnt his ring.

Forced from his home at an early age he moved in with some distant relatives, Mr and Mrs Holmes of Walthamstow. He found the change difficult as his new guardians were very strict - insisting, for instance, that the young Peter should desist from bringing in dead birds as gifts. School was also a troubling time for him, he was outcast by his peers and routinely bullied by those around him. Interestingly enough his boyhood tormentors all passed away with puncture marks on the neck being the only visible injury.

After school Mandelson went to university where he finally 'found himself'. He made many friends and even played in a black metal band called 'The Deatheaters'. It was whilst at university that he took an interest in politics. He supported many issues from equal rights for the living-undead to the now famous 'Am I Not a Cannibal and a Brother' campaign.

It was a short leap from student to mainstream politics.

For many years Mandelson worked on the fringes of party politics, rarely making public (or daylight) appearances. This changed when The Party (or INGSOC) was catapulted to power. Mandelson was found to be a key player in the new government and set about establishing a firm power base.

Controversy struck only a few years later when Mandelson was embroiled in the Death Star incident. He immediately resigned, retiring to his holiday home on Jupiter to regenerate.

However, as the old saying goes 'you can't keep a good lord of the underworld down' and in a mere 18 months later Mandelson was back on his tentacles and back in the government. He worked diligently during this time, reforming policies on environmental issues and figuring out the crossing points of leylines.

It seemed that his position was now unshakable. Some even tipped him to be the next leader when Herr UberGruppenFurer Blair stood down. Alas, Mandelson was never far from controversy and his ill considered decision to burn Winchester Cathedral to the ground whilst sacrificing a goat led to his lampooning by the tabloid press. He once again resigned, taking full responsibility for the incident.

Whilst he was away from cabinet he worked tirelessly for his constituency relocating the abattoir to the school playing fields for 'convenience', turning the local church (St. Luke's) into a 'gay friendly' BDSM club and having five new stone circles built.

It was for these efforts that he was awarded a Peerage and became Lord Mandelson of Hades.

Soon after his elevation to the aristocracy, he was asked by LeaderBot bR01_1_1N to rejoin the front bench because, lets be honest, he couldn't do anything worse than what the others had already achieved.

There are now rumours that Mandelson will challenge LeaderBot bR01_1_1N after the next general election for control of INGSOC.

Facts in brief:

  • Mandelson is currently watching his figure and is only allowing himself to eat one baby a day.
  • He recently attacked a Vicar with an iron bar.
  • Mandelson has an abiding hatred for Hobbits.
  • Mandleson holidays in Norwich as it's 'as close to hell as you can get without death'.
  • Mandelson's favorite books are 'The Prince' by Machiavelli, 'The Necronomicon' and 'Polo' by Jilly Cooper.
  • He is keen participant in the sport of dwarf tossing and represented his house (Slytherin) whilst at school.


  1. Phew, I so thought this was going to be about Boris.

    Who I am actually in love with.

    Nice, damning exposé though. He is really a bit scary.

  2. Hmmmm... I'm getting the feeling our Sir Duke might not be so fond. Tell us how you really feel sweetheart. ;)