Swine Flu or as it should be called 'We're all going to die - '09'

Yep. We're all fucked.

Not content with scaring the bejesus out of everyone with bird flu, SARs and concerns over the MMR vaccine the media are harping on about how we are all doomed to die of flu. This has been going on for a while and you're no doubt thinking 'well, you're a little late'.

The thing is, it really only hit me today. Reason being is that all of the staff in my school were called to an early morning meeting to run through the consequences of the likely event that staff are struck down. The outcome was that teaching staff were 'expendable'.

Ta...

Now what strikes me about this epidemic compared to others is the the Government response. Usually so reliable when it comes to hyping everything up to abject-terror-level-12 they have been relatively reserved. The current advice from Her Majesty's Government is to use a tissue and wash your hands.

WHAT KIND OF ADVICE IS THAT!

When I read the news I want to see Gordon Brown physically shaking with fear. I want to see a new T.V. channel set up to give figures of suspected cases and how far it is spreading. I want a multi-media viral (hehehe) campaign to constantly reaffirm how close we all are to an agonising death. This is the correct way for our government to behave.

Basically I want the following:

Government Information Leaflet: Swine Flu - Yep, you're dead.

Swine Flu is the most terrifying thing to happen to this nation since the Spanish Armada. The probability of you contracting swine flu and perishing is so dizzyingly high that if you manage to read all of this leaflet then you are probably immortal. Well done.

If you suspect that you may have swine flu related symptoms (sneezing, headaches, feeling a bit 'under the weather' etc.) then you should endeavour to take the following action:

1) Isolate yourself from society. We suggest using a number of black bags to construct a rudimentary 'solitude tent'.

2) Do not talk to your family - it is best that they get used to you not being around.

3) Use the government issued 'bolt-gun' to prevent the spread of the disease.

4) If you have not received your government issued 'bolt-gun' then please call 999 and ask for the 'Public Health Extermination Squad' quoting your name, address and shoe size.

5) If you suspect that you may have infected your neighbours then you may well be guilty of mass murder. You bastard. Call 999 and ask for RAF Brize Norton. You will need to provide exact GPS coordinates and request 'napalm strike; code 12'.

6) In the likely event that an entire city or major town is infected then you may see a large object being dropped from a plane. Do not panic. This is just a healthy dose of 'instant sunshine' to help make everyone feel better. If you survive the fallout, then please concentrate on killing cockroaches and mutants.

Once the pandemic has run its course we will all awake to a new world order.

All praise Lord Mandelson for he is our saviour.