5 Mar 2010

Open Letter To Women


It has oft been said that communication between men and women is about as easy as playing tennis blindfolded. In a tar pit. With no legs. Under the sea. Whilst riding a dragon.

Or really fucking difficult.

Having had recent experience of this, I feel it's fitting that I add my rather profane views on the matter.

Open letter time!


Dear 50% of the population,

Why do you have to toy with our simple minds? Why do you feel compelled to confuse our basic jar-opening, heavy-stuff carrying, beer drinking, barbecuing, flat-pack making brains with your complex and frankly unnecessary mind twisting illogicality?

For example, if the Duchess is upset I will approach her with the logical reasoning that her situation is but a trifle in the grand scheme of things and that she should be happy with the good things in her life.

ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!!

What you all actually want us to do is just nod, say 'it's going to be okay' and give you a hug.

Fine.

There is one small problem. We don't fucking think like that. When you say 'I hate it all, I'm going to decapitate everyone who crosses my path' we're on the phone to the police saying 'sorry to bother you but I've got a Grade-A nutter in my house...yeah, very excitable, incoherent really. If I'm honest, I'm concerned for my safety. Okay, see you in five.'

Obviously you don't really think the things you say but the only way you seem to be able to communicate your emotions is through a verbalised version of the enigma machine. The only way we can decipher this code would be through the employment of a team of highly trained scientists, the world's most powerful computer and the combined back catalogue of Sex In The City and Desperate Housewives on DVD.

However, I feel that there are a number of ways that we can work together to create a better, brighter, future:

§ When you are having a 'crisis' I will listen patiently to what you have to say without interjecting. At key points in your tear fueled tirade I will hold up a number of flash cards with 'True', 'False' and 'Fuck Off' written on them. Merely nod when the appropriate card is shown.

§ If your bad day coincides with your menstrual cycle you will push the emergency button that will sound the alarm 'WOAH, BODYFORM!. I will bring chocolate and tissues before hiding myself in the 'Man Zone Bunker' (otherwise known as the pub).

§ You will promise not to be angry through the use of text messages. I feel that getting yelled at for 10 pence a pop isn't cost effective and makes me feel like shit FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO! Please wait until I see you so I can hold up my flash cards.

§ You look funny when you're crying (and kind of cute). Don't take my grin as a sign that I don't give a fuck. I do. But to be honest your mascara and snot has made a vision of the Virgin Mary appear on your face.

§ Please put on your special 'Anything I Say Should Be Taken As A Cruel Joke' stetson when you are about to unleash the spoken equivalent of the Waffen SS. Otherwise I will take what you say as literal truth (and notify the appropriate authorities).

§ Please don't compound the misery of feeling bad by feeling bad about making ME feel bad because you were feeling bad. It's too confusing and makes me want to cry. Which will then set you off again and the whole horrific cycle starts over.

§ If it's only a small issue, can we jump to the bit where you get horny because to be honest we'll both enjoy that more.

§ Please understand that everything I do is to try and make things better. It may be clumsy. It may not be what you want to hear right at that moment. It may well be like trying to put out a forest fire with Napalm. But it is sincere.


If we can do these things then I truly believe that everyone will be prepared for, and in a much better position to deal with, your pendulum-esque emotional states.

Yours Sincerely,

Duke Fandango

14 comments:

  1. was this... a british man.. sharing his *feelings* ?? with words? and [humorous] honesty?
    ok, ok, i'm done.
    a) don't cry. there'll be no one to get the chocolate and tissues [man the fuck up!]
    b) arm yourself. when mother nature possesses a female body you may not have the 5mins you need till the cops arrive
    c) in my blog (ooo shameless plug) i have a few.. well, one suggestion for 'getting to the part you'll both enjoy more'
    d) eh, that's it. this too shall pass :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are we really that irrational? Who am I kidding? I know I am that irrational. Some of your suggestions seem to be very good, others might not be as doable but still a good suggestion. Seems like you are doing your part to help the sexes. Cheers!

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  3. I think these cue cards you speak of should be doled out the second one's relationship reaches the point where you cannot simply grab your pants and walk out...well, at least walk out and not brace yourself for a wayward book, bottle or shoe to the back of your retreating head.

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  4. Women are complicated, I won't deny it, but we ain't that bad... ;p

    I have a solution: let's convert all the women into lesbians, including me...lol

    Men will be happy. Women will be happy. Everybody wins.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Those cards are genius. I think it's true that all we want from a boyfriend is to nod along and say things like, "You're right", "They're a douche", or "Do you want me to kill them?". If we wanted anything more, we'd cry to our girlfriends. Which brings me to an addendum that I feel should be added: Ladies, if you're looking for anything more than the above or "feel-better" sex, please call one of your girlfriends and leave the poor man alone!

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  6. This is an amusing, and (dare I say it) kind of true post. Especially when the "gremlins" take over...The cards, chocolates and tissues will make life that much easier...unless of course you bring the wrong type of chocolates....thats when the s*** really hits the fan :D

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  7. The cards are a fantastic idea. Also saves you having to fully listen to all of the nonsense (because let's face it, when girls are upset they don't half ramble on).

    "Please don't compound the misery of feeling bad by feeling bad about making ME feel bad because you were feeling bad. It's too confusing and makes me want to cry. Which will then set you off again and the whole horrific cycle starts over" cracked me up as well; we've all been there...

    I do tell my boyfriend when something upsets me, because I know he’ll make me feel better. However, I also preface those conversations with either "I need your help coming up with a practical solution", or "I just want to get this off my chest. Your job is to give me hugs and a regular supply of tea and chocolate biscuits." That way I can ensure a flow of chocolate, which is usually all that stands between 'crying' and 'psychopathic explosion'.

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  8. "If it's only a small issue, can we jump to the bit where you get horny because to be honest we'll both enjoy that more."

    LMFAO.

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  9. I'm pretty sure I could hear my boyfriend saying all of the same exact things while I was reading this... only without the british accent.

    btw- Congrats, you've received the Happy 101 blog award! ;)
    http://sapphyreswedding.blogspot.com/2010/03/yay-new-award.html

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm giving you the Happy 101 Award! Congratulations!!

    http://rebelcinderella.blogspot.com/2010/03/omg-my-first-blog-award.html

    RC x

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  11. Duke--

    I'm not giving you any award. But I like you very much.

    --Mr. Apron

    ReplyDelete
  12. So we're all agreed - lets get the cards.

    Thanks for the awards guys although it looks like I actually have to do something to get them...what can I say, I'm lazy.

    And thanks to Mr Apron for not giving me an award whilst still being terribly nice about the whole affair.

    ReplyDelete
  13. If Mr.Apron comments here, then so will I.

    Although all I really have to say is: "...and the combined back catalogue of Sex In The City and Desperate Housewives on DVD." <--WHAT.

    If my boyfriend pulled out a sentence like that I would smack him and then I would go watch Boston Legal/Firefly/BSG. I hate being stereotyped.

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  14. Your description of the behaviour of women sounds eerily like the description of my BOYfriend's hehaviour. HE is the emotional, irrational one. I, most certainly, am not.

    ReplyDelete