4 May 2010

Doctor, doctor...I'm a lazy bastard.


As a completely untrained medical practitioner (although I do quite like Scrubs), I feel it is my prerogative, nay, my duty, to alert the general public of a new and destructive infection.

Sloped Shoulderitus.


'But how will I be able to accurately recognise this horrific condition?' I hear you wail like a stuck pig.


Welcome to the Dr Fandango medical advice line...

General Comments:

Sloped Shoulderitus is a condition found in any number of medium to large sized organisations. It often collects in the abdominal cavity of middle to senior management or anyone who has a modicum of responsibility but lacks the motivation, wherewithal or ability to perform what should be their job thereby forcing the unlucky surrounding workforce to do not only their own job, but pick up the slack from suffers. Basically, feckless cunts.

Symptoms:

The main symptom of Sloped Shoulderitus in sufferers, is a complete inability to take responsibility for what is ostensibly their job. When asked to give some vital information or work they will exhibit the primary symptoms - shoulders raised into the 'up' position, hands outspread and a roll of the eyes. This will often be followed by a 'tut', often used to imply that it isn't that person's job and they are 'extremely sorry mate, no it hasn't been done'. You are supposed to infer this as 'someone else has fucked up'. This will strike a non-sufferer as somewhat odd. Primarily because you will have irrefutable evidence that you are in fact asking exactly the right person. These symptoms will probably make a non-sufferer want to ram a ball point pen into the victim's pseudo-sympathetic right eye. This is a natural, evolutionary, reflex action created to prevent the spread of the disease.

Prognosis:

People infected with Sloped Shoulderitus will undoubtedly be seen by those in senior management as streamlined and efficient. This is because they spend the vast majority of their time picking fluff from their genital region, arranging Post-It notes into scale models of the Reichstag and downloading CCTV footage of attractive interviewees onto their hard drive, only shifting their pathologically lazy arses to do work given from above. They will ultimately be promoted, creating a cascade effect as the tasks given slide effortlessly off of their sloped shoulders. If we could harness the energy created by fast flowing work, we'd be off oil in a week.

Treatment:

There is no known cure for Sloped Shoulderitus. As such, preventing the spread to the disease is the only course of action. I recommend a double tap to the forehead. If circumstance prevents you having access to a firearm then do your best with a Sellotape dispenser or failing that, a paperclip.

5 comments:

  1. I totally just sat the hell up.

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  2. "i hear you wail like a stuck pig?" what is wrong with you?

    and, maybe... that person was busy writing like, the best blog post of her life!

    and maybe... her boss doesn't give a shit and no one suffers :-/ who cares, you're going to CHINA!

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  3. I care because where I work the people who get shafted by the sytem are just kids. There is little in this world that makes me truly get my rage on, but watching people being dicked over by a system/person that isn't working will generally inspire an Icelandic volcano-esque reaction.

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