19 Aug 2009

Things in my life that don't work (yet should)

I say damn you advertising. Damn every lie that squirms insect like from your personified mouth. You bastard. You hate filled harridan of modern society. Why do you continue to inflict the mass populous with your money-orientated-grab-fest...what was that?...If I buy one, I get one free?...Sweet!

You see I (like every other shuffling sack of DNA we laughingly call humanity) am sucked in by the promises of those blokes on the telly. The ones who make it all sound like it's going to be ok if we just spend some money. You know, the ones that encouraged everyone to spend money they didn't have then send the bailiffs round when they couldn't afford the repayments.

After many years of going 'yeah, a T.V. the size of a small planet is what I need' I've decided that there is so much stuff in my life that doesn't work that I should stop consuming and start complaining.

Thinks that don't work like they should:

My Car: A French built car. Normally this would be enough to get people shaking their heads in pity however, this time I would like to go into a bit more detail. The French may be able to cook the finest food in the world, write some of the most beautiful prose and produce the most prestigious of wines but can they make a brake disc that lasts more than twenty-five minutes of gentle braking? No, they fucking can't.

Over the past year I have spent over £1000 on my car (that's $1638 US, 1160 Euros or 581,681 Zimbabwe Dollars - that's right I've spent over half a mil on my car in the last 12 months!) I could be lying on a beach in Guam for that money. Hell, I could have bought a T.V. the size of a small planet. That would be awesome. No wait....arrrggghhhh, they've done it again!

My deodorant: It promises me '3D Protection' that 'Fights perspiration, prevents odour' and has 'timed released freshness'. What it gives me is arm pits that smell like a dirty Viking's jock strap after I've completed five minutes of sitting quietly in a cool room. In fact I sweat more when I use this than when I used the old method of strapping two hamsters under my arms. Huh, progress isn't all it's cracked up to be.

My knowledge of HTML: Being part of the hip-computer savvy generation I assumed that HTML editing would be fairly easy to pick up and use. I'm sure in actual fact it is, but I'm lazy and feckless (at least that's what my first reference says). As such after cursory glance at the HTML code for this blogs template I gave up trying to sort out the niggle. Primarily, the buttons above these posts. Three link back to this page making them as useful as a water soluble condom and one takes you the twitter page of the people who made the template. I'm thankful for their hard work in creating this template but I'm not sure I want them at the top of my page.

My rugby team: Gloucester RFC. Always get to the final of nearly every major domestic tournament or league only to have a bout of collective apathy come the final. What causes some of the greatest Rugby players in the land to just give up? It's like they run on the pitch thinking 'have I left the gas on?'

My phone: A lovely looking touchscreen marvel of 'let's-copy-the-iPhone-but-make-it-cheaper'. The main difference I can discern between the iPhone and the LG Renoir is that the iPhone is good and the LG makes me so angry with it's shitness that I randomly lash out at passers by. It's text function is so clumsy that I text my mum 'you can't' and she received 'you cun't'. It called my mum a cunt! It will randomly unlock itself in my pocket and phone/text people in my address book. My boss received three blank texts from me. He thought I'd been injured and only had the ability to repeatedly press 'send' as a call for help (although he did bugger all about it). It takes four and a half years to connect to the internet and then proudly tells me that it can't display the webpage due to incompatibility. I hate it with a passion I usually reserve for the BNP and cats. And due to my contract I'M STUCK WITH IT FOR THE NEXT EIGHTEEN MONTHS. FUCK!

The Summer: We were promised a 'BBQ Summer' we got rain. I don't mind the weather per se, it's more the way that everyone (including me) went 'Yes! A hot summer at last' after the Met Office told everyone that it was going to be really hot and sunny. If the Met Office had said - 'it looks like a 65% chance of a really nice summer but we can't be sure because even with all this modern technology we're basically looking out the window and making it up as we go along' - then I'd be happy. But they didn't...grrrr.

Blur had it about right. Modern life is rubbish.

P.S. I'm sure people have others - let me know what doesn't work in your life so we can laugh at your misfortune.


  1. Your comment about your boss made me laugh out loud at work!

    As for things that don't work, I tend to blame my own incompetence more than I blame the products I'm using. Bet that says something about my personality...

  2. Your so modest, I like it :)

    Great post! :-)

  3. Hahaha!! You know- it's not very nice to call your mother a cunt!

    Here's something that's not working for me: my friends smelly Maltese! She's away for two weeks and I'm dogsitting. Not only is this thing a complete spaz, but he has urinated on every corner of my apartment!!!

    I bet it's because he desperately needs a haircut and can't see. Perhaps he's mistaken my sofa for a fire hydrant?

  4. Hehehe... Definitely have me giggling at work again!

    I totally agree on the HTML... the shit should actually make some sense... but really it doesn't! And I will never get a touch screen... unless my phone breaks for the fourth time this contract. Then it's all up in the air! Who wants to pay for a contract they can't actually use because the phone is a piece of shit?

    I'm quite partial to the fact I can see you... but not smell you, now. hehe :P You might want to upgrade on the deoderant. :)