13 Dec 2009

Tyger, Tyger Burning Brighter Than Downtown Baghdad


What do you think constitutes the greater story:

a) Tony Blair admitting that he would have ordered the invasion of Iraq anyway and that he would have just 'changed the arguments' to ensure the disposition of Saddam Hussein took place regardless of public opinion and the massive loss of life that it led to;

Or;

b) Tiger Woods nobbing someone that wasn't his wife.


According to the papers, it's 'b'.

The thing is there are remarkable parallels between the U.S. led invasion of a sovereign nation and the infidelities of a much loved sportsman.

'What are these..?' I hear you not cry...

Well:

§ Golf at its core is dull. Dull to watch, dull to play and even duller to talk about. The same for international politics. Both Tiger Wood's sex life and the 'will they/won't they' pre-war aperitif we experienced in 2003 brought some much needed excitement to both fields.

§ There was much talk of a sexed-up dossier which provided the justification to go to war. Sounds like Tiger's pretty sexed-up without falsifying details.

§ The aim of Golf (insofar as I can make out) is to get a hole in one. The purpose of the invasion of Iraq was to find 'one in a hole'. Initially this was for WMDs but later it was just Saddam. Which we found. In a hole!*

§ Both stories have had car related themes. The intelligence for the '45-mins and we're all fucked' came from a cab driver who overheard a conversation whilst driving. Tiger's brief experiment with late night off-road/on-road/off-road/tree/hydrant driving was no doubt the result of an overheard conversation. Possibly with his wholesale lube importers.

§ Golf/Gulf - simple.

§ There has been much talk of equipment for the armed forces. Likewise there has been has been much talk of Tiger's equipment. I'm not sure which I'd rather go to war with.

§ In the invasion of Iraq it was common for Coalition troops to listen to heavy metal to psyche themselves up before battle. The same is true of Wood's pre-coital routine in which he listens to the second half of the first verse of Holy Diver by Dio for a full half hour.**

§ Both were the result of dodgy intelligence. The Iraq invasion justification was basically a list of things that could possibly be true if you momentarily suspended all rational and logical thought. Tiger's for thinking that his wife wouldn't mind


So there we go. On the face of it it might look like a story about someone famous having an affair was just trivial nonsense but now you know better.

Mission Accomplished...



*Yes I'm aware I could make a cheap 'but he got one in a hole' joke but didn't want to. I'm mainly writing this footnote for Seb.
**'Ride the tiger/you can see his stripes but you know he's clean/oh don't you see what I mean...'

5 comments:

  1. Haha, someone's grasping as straws! But a funny article, mate. Just shows your epic creativity :D

    p.s. I'm rather disappointed you didn't go for the 'one in a hole'. You could have had a triple-entendre going for you there... Anything above a mere 'double' is the Holy Grail!

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  2. My very own footnote! *bubbles effusively*

    I'm amazed that you came up with quite so many similarities. The power of shoehorning. You'd be great as a tabloid press writer.

    Also, very annoyed that you stole the Gulf/Golf one. I thought you were going to miss it... and then I could include it in this comment and dazzle you (and the world) with my intelligence.

    Damnit.

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  3. Your blog is such a breath of fresh air, so delightful and joyous! A real source of inspiration, thank you for your many morsels of goodness.

    If you have a moment or two, please amuse yourself with my new creation. I would greatly appreciate the brief moment of adoration and any suggestions.

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    Thank You.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're a fucking genius.

    Not only that, but you're able to type with a nasty rugby injury. Or were you dictating?

    Or was that an x-ray of a very strange looking foot?

    ReplyDelete