15 Feb 2010

I take it all back...there is a god!

And that God has a fucking grade A sense of humour.

Point in case is the fact that the BNP has been forced by the Equality and Human Rights Commission to change it's admissions policy to allow non-whites to join.

For those of you who don't follow British politics all that closely allow me to explain. The BNP (or British National Party for those of you with an aversion to TLAs [Three Letter Abbreviations]) is a far-right bunch of racists whose central policy is the forced repatriation of all non-white people to their countries of origin.

The BNP is led by the cycloptic charisma-void, toad-faced and all round twat, Nick Griffin (pictured) who is without doubt the single most reprehensible life form to be forcibly ejected from a uterus since Salome. And at least she could dance.

Nick Griffin used to be a holocaust denier arguing that the numbers were a bit on the unbelievable side. Well Nick - that's why it's the single greatest tragedy to face humanity. It's also why it's called the Holocaust. It's not the sort of thing that happens all the time. You don't get two elderly people in a Post Office muttering about how Maureen's 'feeling a bit under the weather because she's suffering from 'a bit of holocaust'.

I say used to be a holocaust denier because he's given up. He went on to the holocaust denier replacement treatment. Such as 'Jew-Hate' patches which give a steady dose of antisemitism over a 24 hour period to help reduce cravings. He's now completely off holocaust denying (although he still fancies it when he's got a beer in his hand).

Other BNP policies include the reintroduction of the death penalty and the use of judicial corporal punishment. Which, ignoring the giant step backwards in terms of human rights this would bring, would put us on a par with Saudi Arabia. A fundamentalist Islamic country. This is interesting because the BNP is constantly bemoaning the (frankly non-existent) 'Islamification' of Britain by radical clerics and the like whilst failing to see that they themselves are promoting an Anglicised version of Sharia law.

The reason that the BNP are a bit of a hot topic at the moment is that they managed to somehow get two of their members elected to the European Parliament. And yes I use 'members' as a synonym from 'penises'. What this does mean is that they actually have a modicum of power. They actually represent people from this country in Europe. They ACTUALLY have a say.

For a while this was a worry. Britain did a bit of collective soul searching to see if we'd all become a bit more racist. If perhaps this most cosmopolitan of nations had lost its tolerant outlook. Perhaps multi-cultural Britain was a pipe dream. One that could never exist for the differences that made us so vibrant, so interesting, so unique were the same that would ultimately tear us apart as cultural divisions became societal then finally political rifts.

No, what actually happened is that in true British style nobody could be arsed to vote in the elections. Indeed the BNP's ability to take power (however small that power may actually be) isn't because of a growing number of people who are drawn to the extreme-right but because they are being forced away from politics in general. Apathy, not ideology, gave the BNP their seats.

The beauty of the recent announcement from the Equality and Human Rights Commission is that it allows at least one of the following to happen:

§ Either, Islam4UK will have a whip-round and get all of their members to join the BNP. Ostensibly this will be to provoke some kind of mass media reaction to promote Islam4UK's saying they're going to do things then not doing them. For the rest of us it will be an opportunity to see the first artificially created black-hole as the enormous amounts of hate-loaded spittle reaches critical mass and rips a hole in the Space-Time Continuum. Take that CERN!

§ Or, the fundamentalist, hardcore, nutters who actually believe in the venom they espouse will realise that the party they had believed in so fervently has just well and truly shafted them by not actually having a spine and at least attempting to stand up for them. Put simply the BNP will lose members faster than the world's largest eunuch-factory (which is just outside Hamburg). It will quite quickly cease to be any form of threat to anyone. Like a bull with no balls - looks scary but runs away when you wave a stick in its face...not sure how this simile works...figure it out for yourself...

Either way I will now be standing for the BNP in the next elections. My policies will include the following especially designed to piss off the rest of the party:

The Duke Fandango BNP Policy

1) Gay men and Women MUST hold hands and kiss in public for every 30 metres they walk. If anyone objects within earshot every homosexual person in the area must dance around the offender in a lewd manner.

2) If Nick Griffin really believes in what he says then I would campaign for him to spread his good news; in central Brixton. I feel it's only fair.

3) I think that joining the Euro isn't liberal enough. We should suspend our entire economy and hand the reigns over to Brussels. At the very least we'll be knee deep in chocolate and fruit beers.

4) I believe that we should change the national anthem to include a verse in the following languages:


Admittedly it'll take about 45 mins to sing and sports coverage will be somewhat elongated but hey, if England can work their way through all that and win a match then fair play.

5) Whenever Nick Griffin is about to speak the theme tune from Bucky O'Hare plays to remind everyone that he looks like the toad bad-guys.

At the very least we can all have a fucking great laugh as this is the crucial moment where the party becomes its own parody.

This my friends is the holy grail of satire and the Equality and Human Rights Commission is our saviour. Let us pray...


  1. This made me laugh - a lot. Almost enough to make me forget about the true real-life horror that is Nick Griffin! Here's hoping that you're right, especially about the bit concerning the eunuch factory (is that true? Is it really in Hamburg? Do they do tours?)

  2. Haha, amazing! But you realised that based on the Times' article today (though I suspect you're a Guardian man) you'll never be allowed to interview a member of the BNP now :P

    I'm not sure Nick Griffin has an iota of widespread respect left after he got creamed on Question Time.

  3. Mr Fandango
    You make me laugh. Period. Please, please keep on blogging. You are the reason why young and upcoming sarcasmites like me are blogging.

  4. the post is such a fun, it makes me laugh a lot!!! i'm looking fwd to UK's new anthem, then. lol