Religion

Now don't let it be said that I don't tackle the big issues. Sure, a lot of the time I'm just ranting about utter nonsense but I'd like to think that every now and again I go for some kind of apt social commentary.

As such, I would like to provide a definitive guide to the various religions that populate this world so that you, my loyal readers (all twelve of you) can make an informed decision if you decide to take up a religion.

Here it goes:

Atheism: Some would say not a real religion but if you're going to believe anything you might as well believe nothing. Atheists are generally found either 1) laughing at creationists, 2) make snide comments about religions in general, 3) creating shrines to Richard Dawkins. Bizarrely they see no contradiction in this.

Agnosticism: For those who like to behave immorally but occasionally have twinges of guilt about it. Generally persuaded by whomsoever is talking to them at that very moment but primarily so they can wing a free drink.

Anglicism: Like tea, hate putting anyone out. Constantly found apologising for the bad bits of the bible and offering pieces of cake to anyone who will listen to a sermon for more than a picto-second. Generally quite nice people.

Buddhism: Probably the gentlest religion going. Believe in the sanctity of all life...whilst training to kick someone's spleen out through their left nostril. Basically hardcore hippies.

Catholicism: Do you hate yourself? Great! Become a Catholic! Many times you will be afforded the opportunity to combine the mysticism of the ancients through the use of a long dead language whilst constantly being told that you, yes YOU, are at heart, evil. Good if you like wine. Best thought of as Anglicism with a spine.

Hinduism: Believe in about fourteen trillion gods, demi-gods, demons, devils, angels and monkey type thingies. Believe in the sanctity of cows and good at stretching. Dhalsim from Street Fighter II was a Hindu. He was awesome. Not sure anyone else can do 'Yoga Flame'.

Islam: Seemingly a peaceful religion that is full of hotheads. A bit like football in that respect. Best not to draw comics of Mohamed. Tend to get upset when people take the piss...um...Not big drinkers.

Judaism: Bit of a rocky road. Kind of a cross between Catholics and Muslims but with the ability to laugh at themselves. Have a heinous amount of rules so if you're a bit slack about working on your days off or eating bacon then probably not for you. Good range of beards.

Mormonism: Crazy Horses! Whaa, whaa. That's all I know. Oh, and they can have more than one wife. Will try and stop you in the street and convert you by reasoned logic despite the fact that their beliefs are based on a warped reading of a fictional text.

Neo-Paganism or Wicca: Believe in the transcendence of the human spirit to be able to float above the conscious plane which is basically utter shite. Primarily an excuse to go and dance in the woods with no clothes on. Which, lets be honest, you can do without believing in the healing properties of crystals.

Puritanism: YOU WILL NOT HAVE FUN! Tried to stop people having fun in England where they were told to 'bugger off'. Founded America. Killed natives. Like whitewash and wood. Thought mince pies were papist decadence. Banned Christmas. Not great at parties.

Rastafarianism: The only major religion in which dope is used for religious purposes. Presumably so are Doritos. Believes in the imminent overthrow of Babylon. Which turned into Constantinople. Then into Istanbul. It's nobodies' business but the Turks.

Scientology: Heh, heh, heh. The crazed rantings of a sci-fi writer where basically you give them all of your money and then you get a space on the space ship that will take you to...oh, fuck it...it's too mental to explain. Look at Tom Cruise. Do you want to end up like him? Didn't think so.

Shintoism: Everything has a spirit. Rocks. Trees. Sheep. Bags of Sherbet. Jam. Bits of old string. That fluff you get in your belly button, yep that's got a soul. It's a wonder that anyone gets anything done with all these chuffing spirits floating about. Although Samurais believed in it and they were double-hard bastards. Will make you good at fighting.

Sikhism: Turbans and blades. Never need to cut your hair again so you might save an absolute fortune at the barbers. Believe that God is the universe and that the universe is God. Quite an interesting idea when thought about properly.


I swear to God, gods or Dawkins that I should have been an R.E. teacher.