12 Apr 2010
Join the Party
After too many years of being under the thumb of INGSOC we have an opportunity to change the face of Britain. Leader Bot Brown has finally called a general election and change is called for. We can change. Change, change, change.
However there is a problem. Change is hard to achieve with parties that are, in essence, identi-fit airfix models of one another. As a fully paid up member of the British democratic system I find this truly untenable.
Time has come my brothers and sisters (and hermaphrodites) to look to a new leader. One with drive, determination and stunning facial hair. One who can take this once great nation and turn it great again. Someone with an understanding of words and stuff. A humble person who desires nothing more than the betterment of the lot of the average family/cohabiting partners/individuals who live on their own (or possibly even in a flat share arrangement with a couple of friends - they may have a girlfriend/boyfriend but haven't taken the decision to move in with each other. That's cool too.)
'But Duke' I hear you cry 'who is this inspirational, sexy and hirsute leader that we have only just heard of'.
Well, it is I. I, Duke Fandango hereby announce the formation of a radical new force in the gambit of British Politics. The Neo-Post-Anti-Pro-Social Liberal Party
Unlike some political parties I could mention I have actually thought of some policies that I feel will help the average person in the street. And at home. And in their car. Even at work.
As such, here I will submit the party's manifesto for the upcoming election.
We believe that being healthy is important. As a consequence of this breakthrough in thinking we propose that there should be a cut off point for an individual's BMI. If that person goes over a set limit they will be forced to provide community service by becoming rickshaw drivers in our inner cities. This will have the double benefit of making fatties lose weight and will help reduce congestion as well as our carbon footprint. Win, win, win.
Doctors and Nurses do a great job however, there are times when they accidentally let people die for no good reason. To stop this from happening too often we will instigate a policy of having those in the medical profession followed by a camera crew 24 hours a day. Any fuck-up will be broadcast in high-definition on Five. The public will be able to vote out 'Killer Carers' once a week using the premium rate phone number. The money generated from this will be plowed back into the NHS.
We believe that being educated is important. However, recent Government policy has led to a nation of barely literate cretins. I mean, the 'Three Rs' only includes one 'R'. It's this kind of woolly thinking that has destroyed pupil attainment in schools.
Radical changes that we would bring in include (but are not limited to):
Making sure kids can actually read and write by the age of 11. We would do this by...well...teaching them how to read and write. It's not fucking rocket science, is it now.
Parents also have to attend detentions with their kids. Yeah, Jimmy's constant fucking around in class isn't so funny now you have to take the afternoon off work.
OFSTED inspectors have to actually live the life of a pupil in the school they are inspecting. This will include staying up to 3am playing Call of Duty, listening to parental rows through thin chip-board walls and avoiding being 'shanked' by a rival gang. If the HMI can then perform to their best the day after then fair play. It may make them realise that social issues play a bigger part on a child's education than the current thinking allows.
We promise to stop fucking about with education like it's out electoral prison bitch. Rather than overload already harassed teaching staff with fifteen separate initiative a day we will give them a bit of respect. And a pay rise. And a person to give them a hug (two for NQTs - let's be fair, they need it more).
We believe that having a foreign policy is important. Other countries tend to laugh at you if you don't have one. A bit like wearing school uniform on a non-uniform day. You'd never live it down.
All conflicts will be fought using a new breed of fighting force. The over 65s. They constantly harp on about how great national service was - well, time to put your money where your mouth is gramps. I also believe that giving an elderly person a gun and telling them to kill foreigners is the best possible use for a generation of ingrained racists. Other benefits include taking the burden of looking after the elderly off of the shoulders of their families, they're almost dead anyway so will accept suicidal missions and the Army will ensure they have not only hot food but regular showers. This can only be a good thing.
However, we feel that force should only be used only as a last resort. So, before we commit our Elderly Elite Killer Battalions we would attempt to reach a peaceful conclusion to any international issues. To this end we would have a slumber party with the prospective belligerents where we would read magazines, do each other's hair and make-up and talk about boys. Hopefully by day break we would have bonded over a late night game of 'I have Never' and be BFFs forever.
This is not to say that Britain will become a soft-touch. We will advise our diplomats to use the phrase 'yer mum' in any difficult negotiations. If this fails to have the desired effect then screaming 'come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough' into the opponent's face, followed by the diplomat breaking a glass bottle on the edge of a table will be the recommended course of action.
Sports and Culture
We believe that sports and culture are really important. We've had enough of the international community looking on us as the fat kid that is always chosen last to take part in sports. No longer will the UK have to sit on the bench. Or be the referee because the PE teacher can't be arsed to take part.
As such there will a special test for all 4 year olds to see if they have any aptitude in throwing, catching and running. For those who do we propose setting up sports schools where pupils are only taught about sports. Once this new social class of Uber-Athletes (above the upper class, below aristocracy) have nobbed the rest of the world at every sporting event they will then become the trainers for the next generation. Once the retirement age of 65 arrives they will go on to provide the back-bone of the military. It's this kind of joined up thinking that separates us from the other political parties.
Culture seems to be doing okay. Although we propose to fire Tracey Emin into the heart of the sun. Nobody cares who you slept with you horse-faced abuser of tents. Fuck off.
We believe that the community and how cohesive it is is very important. This is because we all live in a community. Sometimes this community is dispersed. Whereas it should be cohesive. Like jam on toast. In recent years Britain has had issues with having a sticky group of people. We have two main policy areas that we believe will help us to become a bit more cohesive as a community.
Tickle a Total Stranger. This policy is designed to create goodwill amongst all people. At the hours of 11am and 5pm every member of the public will be forced to go outside, introduce themselves to a complete stranger then give them a tickle. This would help to break down barriers between different social groups as it's very difficult to hold a grudge against someone who who've had rolling on the floor crying 'stop it..hehehe...no...hehehe...arrrggghh...hehehe...'.
Together We Are Tremendously Strong. Or TWATS for short will be a programme where we encourage people to return to the blitz spirit. To this end we will be running bombing raids on major towns and cities throughout the night. People will bond in their hastily constructed Anderson shelters drinking ration tea and singing Lady Gaga a cappella in four-part harmony (T-Telephone...*BOOM*...T-T-T-Telephone...*CRASH*)
We believe that the economy is really fucking important. Currently it is right up the shitter. We suggest the adoption of the Monopoly Trading system. When people drive their cars over a certain square they will be taxed £200, other squares will give people £200 in tax credits. There will also be system of chance cards delivered at random throughout the life of the government. These will cover things such as dental bills, beauty competitions and maintenance of houses and hotels.
All bankers will be forced to dress like Victorian business men. This will allow the general public to spot the money-grubbing bastards a mile off.
Law and Order
We believe that law and order is super-duper important. We want a return to bobbies on the beat and not even in a sexual way. Police will therefore be trained in how to be human statues, those women who give you a ticket outside of changing rooms in shops and charity collectors on the high street. With these three strategic areas covered crime will fall exponentially. This will also reduce the need for blanket CCTV coverage which will save loads of money that can be spent of other policies/my salary.
We believe that the reformation of parliament is so important that if we did nothing about it our eye balls would implode out of sheer incredulity. We believe in straight talking, no nonsense politicians. After years of dicked around by wax-work, PR trained, facsimiles of real people the country has had enough. We would pursue the adoption of the 'three strikes and you're out' method of asking a politician a question. If they haven't given a straight 'yes' or 'no' response to a simple question they have their patellas removed and turned into canastas before being forced to listen to a Flamenco version of 'Flight of the Bumblebee' played using their knee caps for 12 hours solid. Take that you slimy bastards.
With these crucial policies in place it can only be a matter of time before we knock this beleaguered country into shape. I reckon we can show Obama a thing or two about change.
All hail the revolution!
The Neo-Post-Anti-Pro-Social Liberal Party.
If you think that you can help the NPAPSL Party win in your area, even if you aren't British, don't live in Britain or haven't even visited this fine nation, please get in contact - a comment is a sign of support.